If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
