Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
