Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
