ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
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