I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
