I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize