Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
