Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
