when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
