I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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