dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
He told me they were just razor bumps!
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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