Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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