In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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