I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
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