I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
