Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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