You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
