just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
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