Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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