There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
