So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
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