do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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