I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
