it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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