keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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