Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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