Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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