My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
