just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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