what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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