I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
