Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
