what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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