I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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