my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
