i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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