Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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