If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
