I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
