I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Randomize
