so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
