Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
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