Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
