Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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