she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
