i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
Randomize
