Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
