I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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