ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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