I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
