He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
