dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
