the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
