allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
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