i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You're a waste of cheezeits
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
