I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
