u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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