I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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