Your mouth is God's brothel.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
